The Treats No Trick-or-Treaters Want
It’s that time of year again when little ghouls, goblins, witches, and monsters all come out in search of chocolate sweets. Yup, it’s Halloween once more! Who can forget the anticipation, the thrill of dressing up, and the big booty at the end of the night? It’s the most wonderful time of the year, right behind Christmas. Since this is a night for kids and candy, I thought I’d scare up a top ten list of worst candy to give out to trick-or-treaters. If you give out candy this Halloween, this is the list to avoid:
1. Toothbrush – This is the worst non-candy treat a person could give a kid. Halloween is all about sweets and chocolate. Who wants to be reminded that they have to brush their teeth? Could you find a more utilitarian treat? This is akin to getting socks and underwear for Christmas. It’s a big no-no.
2. Pennies – I really want to know who thought that this was a good idea. What is someone going to do with a few pennies or a couple of nickels? Did you confuse my outfit for a piggy bank? What a total rip-off. I bet people who give pennies to trick-or-treaters are the same people who tell waiters how wonderful they are and then leave a $2.00 tip on a $45.00 tab. If you’re too cheap to give out candy, then turn your lights out and pretend you’re not home…
3. Stickers – This is the last of the non-food no-no’s. Stickers are so 90’s. No decent child wants stickers today. Stickers are cheap and boring. And there’s nothing worse than having your little pirate come home with My Little Pony stickers except maybe your precious ballerina getting stuck with squashed bug stickers. Plus this is one way to make sure that your mailbox, front door, and car windows get plastered with your lousy stickers.
4. Apples – I personally like apples, but for Halloween? No way! First of all, and I can’t say it enough, it’s candy kids want. Not fruit. Besides, who hasn’t heard all those razor-blade-in-the-apple stories? No self-respecting mom is going to allow her kids to eat an apple that she has no idea where it came from. It’s getting tossed the minute the kids get home. You might as well have given them a rock.
5. Popcorn Balls – Even back when I was a kid, kids hated getting popcorn balls. By the time we got around to eating them, the were hard and stale. It’s sort of like eating styrofoam chunks that have been coated in resin. It also falls into the “you can’t have it if it’s home made” category and gets tossed in the garbage. The only thing worse than a popcorn ball is an individual pack of microwave popcorn.
6. Candy Corn – It’s not Halloween without candy corn, but for goodness sake, don’t give it to the trick-or-treaters! Unless you buy it in individual serving bags, you’ll have to sort it out into zip-lock bags and mommies don’t like candy that has been opened and handled. It’s another trash can candy. Besides, everyone has candy corn. It’s the free Halloween candy. It belongs in the candy dish on the coffee table where you can pick at it all you want.
7. Bulk Generic Wrapped Candy – Nothing says lovin’ like a handful of no-frills, unidentifiable generic candy. This is the stuff they hand out for free in trade show booths and use as filler in the prepacked food gift packs you buy at K-mart. It usually consists of nasty mints and unidentifiable flavors in unappetizing colors. I’d rather get the tooth brush.
8. Jolly Ranchers – One step above generic candy, Jolly Ranchers are every mother’s nightmare. They look like a standard hard candy but have a semi-gooey, glue like texture that clings to your teeth stronger than Lindsay Lohan clings to her Bloody Mary. These are guaranteed to destroy teeth and pull out fillings. Once you put one in your mouth, it’s hours before you can open it again.
9. Mary Jane – Unless you were born in the 50’s or 60’s, you probably don’t even know what a Mary Jane is. I believe it is the step sister of the Jolly Rancher. It’s a mini semi-hard, semi-soft, semi-chewy peanut buttery brick. This is another tooth destroyer, keeping many a dentist in business when I was a tyke. And this is one damn small candy. It makes fun-size candy bars actually look fun.
10. Granola Bars – Here’s a healthy food that everyone is always trying to push off as a candy bar. Even when mixed with nuts and fruit and dipped in chocolate, kids know a health food product when they see one. When my daughter was little, I had her convinced that yogurt was a desert like pudding and ice cream until one day at school her classmates corrected her. Boy, was she pissed at me. Don’t make the same mistake at Halloween.
Well there you have my Top Ten List of Worst Halloween Candy. Whatever you do this Halloween, be sure you avoid these clunkers. Stick to the good stuff like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Snickers Bars. Try to remember back when you were a kid, when you actually got full size candy bars when you went trick-or-treating. Today’s kids are stuck with those itty-bitty fun size candy bars. Unless you’re a 40 year old woman, tiny does not equal fun. So if you give out those little bars, let the kids take a handful. Or better yet, shock the hell out of your neighborhood and go old school by giving out full size candy bars. If you do, let me know where you live so I can get in on the action. Happy Halloween Everyone!