You Never Know What’s Inside Until You’ve Squished Them
I know that yesterday’s post was kind of a downer, but I was feeling down and that’s the way it goes sometimes. With everything else going on, I had an appointment with my counselor yesterday at 5:00. Yes, I am seeing a counselor. It’s no biggie. I’ve gone to them in the past when I felt it was needed: when I first broke up with Janine and when Heather moved in with Chip and Me. (All three of us went.)
My counselor was concerned because we were discussing some very nasty things that happened to me as a child. (Things I will never discuss on this blog.) He was worried that I could get upset or react destructively. I was confident that I would not allow myself to do either. After we finished, I think we were both kind of right.
As I drove home afterwords, all these ugly old images and thoughts were racing through my head. I hate to admit it, but I was a little shaken. Maybe shaken is too strong a word—but I can’t seem to find the right word to fit the situation. When I got home, I could sense those old feelings of self-loathing sneaking up on me. I decided I wasn’t going to let them beat me. After I walked, the dogs, I plopped my butt in front of the computer to check my emails even as the old demons stalked me from inside my head…
I began to read one in a series of emails from a close friend who is in anguish over an unrequited love and it reminded me of why I need to keep my own woes in perspective. A lot of what is happening is of his own doing. I can see it clear as crystal. Unfortunately, he cannot. Actually, I think he can see it but he either can’t admit it to himself or he is simply unable to make himself do anything about it. He turns to me for advice. I try to help him as much as I can but I sometimes feel like it’s the blind leading the blind. My relationship track record has been awful.
As I was imparting my eternal wisdom in a return email (in the words of the immortal Dolly Levi, “All of Yonkers should stop and listen.”), my phone alarm went off reminding me it was time to take my medicine. Unfortunately, I was out of the medicine so I had to run to Eckert’s to pick up my new prescriptions. When I got home from that, I had ten minutes to leave before I went to rehearsal.
Even though I’ve been stressed about learning my lines, rehearsal went very well. I know about ½ of the second act and I have Amy to thank for her drill sergeant-like assistance with learning my lines. In fact, I had a lot of fun at rehearsal. I’m working with a very talented group of people, many of whom I’ve worked with before. Even though we are under the gun time-wise, it’s coming together nicely and it’s going to be a pretty damn good show. It was a nice reminder of why I do local theater in the first place.
When I returned home, I checked my email to see if my buddy had replied to my divine directions. After that, I flipped on the TV set and started watching Beneath the Planet of the Apes. I absolute love that whole series. (I’m a big geek, I know.) After walking the dogs and watching the end of the movie, I went to bed. I did wake up once, where I snuck into the kitchen and ate a little ice cream. Otherwise, I slept till 6:30, got up, walked the dogs, got ready, and came to work.
I was a little hungry this morning, which is customary if I snack in the middle of the night. I wanted a bagel so I stopped by ShopRite and picked up some bagels and cream cheese for the whole department. When I got into work, I was telling my friend Sandy that I dreamt I was shopping for eggs. I don’t remember much about the dream but I did remember seeing the carton of eggs in my shopping cart. We laughed and wondered what dreaming about eggs could mean. Shortly after that, she sent me the following:
“…to dream that you are shopping for food and groceries signifies your hidden attempt to buy the attention of others. To see or eat eggs in your dream symbolizes fertility, birth, and your creative potential. It indicates that something new is about to happen.”
So, could you say I was buying the attention of others by buying bagels for the department? And although I have had bagels and cream cheese before, bagels and cream cheese with chives is a new experience. (Alright, so that is a bit of a stretch.) But if I wanted to think deeper about it, perhaps the hidden attempt to buy the attention of others was selling my woes to my readers in my last post. Perhaps the something new is the new beginning that I sense approaching as I toss away some evil memories that I’ve ignored for over 38 years.
Perhaps. But one thing I do know for sure. I was just too damn busy to let all that crap bother me. Between getting my meds, worrying about my friend, rehearsing my show, and taking a small amount of time to relax and enjoy an old movie, there was no time left for the bad stuff. And do you know what that means? It means it’s just not that important anymore. And when bad things aren’t important, they no longer seem so bad. And that makes me feel better. A whole lot better.