I’ve decided to put together my top list of strange, weird, stupid, dumb, and/or just plain useless products. These products all carry the ‘Are You Serious?’ factor. Now I’ve blogged about strange products before, things like the Subtle Butt Fart Pads, security briefs with built-in skid marks, a gun shaped remote control and more, but these are the crème de la crème. (If you want to see all my crazy product reviews, simply look on the right side of the bottom half of my blog and click on “Product Reviews.”) Just remember as you read this, these are all real products currently on sale somewhere. As P.T. Barnum once said, “There’s a sucker born every minute,” and these products are here to prove that point.
#10. The Dogone Dog Thong Gas Neutralizing Pad – That’s right, a thong for your dog that also neutralizes farts. This should be a companion partner to the Subtle Butt. First of all, who wants to put a thong on a dog? Secondly, what self-respecting dog would wear one of these things? Well the folks over at Flat-D Innovations, whose tag line is “Products For Those Who Care,” thought this was a good idea. Unfortunately, not enough people seemed to care about their dogs farting and the product was discontinued…
#9. Dave’s Gourment Hot Sauce & Garden Spray – Yea, you read that right. It almost sounds like an SNL product parody skit. It’s a hot sauce! No, it’s a bug spray! No, it’s a laundry detergent! But seriously, this is actually a pretty cool product that has a pretty lame name. It’s the first pump style hot sauce that can be sprayed onto your food to make it hot and spicy or into your garden to keep all the cute little bunnies and deer from eating your foliage. (Apparently using hot sauce in the garden is a common thing gardeners do to ward off hungry little mammals.) I think it’s a great idea but, please drop the garden spray from the name.
#8. Bed Books – Here’s another idea that sounds good on paper and looks absolutely ridiculous in application. Bed Books are books that are printed sideways so that you can lay in your bed sideways, with your head on your pillow, and read a book without straining your neck. The Bed Books website claims these books are revolutionary because you NO LONGER HAVE TO SIT UP TO READ A BOOK! How revolutionary is that? After all, don’t most people read books when they are in the fetal position? And what if you want to read the book when you are not laying down in bed? And how about people who like to sleep on their backs? What do they do? What’s next, vertical laptops?
#7. Borba Chocolate Clarifying Bars – Here’s yet another great idea that sounds clever but looks awful in application. These Borba Chocolate Clarifying Bars are designed to help your complexion. Borba combines their chocolate with a unique formulation of vitamins which they claim removes toxins and helps regenerate skin. That’s right gals. Chocolate is no longer the enemy. This should lead to other great products like Burger King’s Appetite Suppressant Whopper or Insulin Injected Cream Doughnuts. Let’s get serious here folks. Ex-lax makes a chocolate bar, too, but you won’t see me walking around chomping on one.
#6. Scentuelle Libido Patches – Designed by a company called The Sense of Smell Lab, Scentuelles “utilize the sense of smell to rekindle a sensual, intimate connection with your partner.” It’s like a scratch-n-sniff for the libido challenged. It can also be a boost for marriages that have lost their sparkle. I can see it now. Husband, “You in the mood, dear?” Wife, “Yea, give me a minute to sniff my arm first!” I can just imagine the stampede to the drug store. Actually, there is a Scentuelle for both women and men. Right, like guys aren’t horny enough?
#5. Reserve A Spot In Heaven – Wanna insure you get into heaven but tired of going to church and playing by the rules? Well now for only $15.95 you can purchase your own All Access Travel Kit to Heaven complete with a first class ticket to heaven, heaven ID card, certificate of reservation, and a laminated all access heaven VIP pass. You no longer have to make confessions or deal with priests, ministers, or those snooty pious women who look down at you when you snore during church service. It’s 100% guaranteed (your money back if you don’t get into heaven) so what is there to lose? There is also an Essential Travel Kit ($12.79) for cheapos which comes with everything but the glorious VIP pass. And if you know someone who you think should go to hell, check out its sister company, Reserve A Spot In Hell. But hurry, space is limited!
#4. Season Shot – Season Shot is the “Ammo With Flavor,” because it shoots, kills, and seasons game birds. No lie. Season shot is made of a tightly packed seasoning bound by a “fully biodegradable food product.” Whatever that may be. You simply load your rifle with a season shot, shoot the bird, and it’s already seasoned. No need to remove the shot. The pellets will melt and season the bird as it cooks. I’m sure the last thing going through that duck’s mind as it’s being shot is, “At least I’ll taste good.” Even though these are designed for shooting game birds, I’m sure it would work well with possum and squirrels. Yummy.
#3. Sumseeds – Sumseeds are sunflower seeds with caffeine added because Mother Nature didn’t get it right the first time. The website actually promotes these as an energy snack infused with caffeine, taurine, lysine, and ginseng. (Does anyone remember the lysine contingency from Jurassic Park?) Couldn’t you just eat regular sunflower seeds and wash it down with a Mountain Dew to get the same effect? I guess they must be good for you because they are hand crafted and baseball hall of famer Tony Gwynn says, “I love these seeds!” Tony is waving a pack at you but he looks more like he’s banging the bag against his head in one of those “I could have had a V-8” moments.
#2. Kid Kupz – Taking Mary Poppins’ spoonful of sugar to a whole new level, Kid Kupz are candy coated medicine dispensing cups for children. The site claims that the candy coated rims of the cups will mask the nasty taste of children’s medicine, much like the salt rim on your margarita masks the taste of the tequila – NOT. While this sorta sounds like a good idea, why don’t you just do the Mary Poppins thing and shove a spoonful of sugar in the kids mouth along with the medicine, or let them dip a snickers bar into the medicine. It would have the same sugary effect and cost you lots less. Puhleeze! Medicine is medicine and it shouldn’t taste too good or kids will want to swill it all the time. Besides, I can see kids doing shooters of kool-aid and soda pop with these and when mom finally gets around to using them, they’d be all gone.
#1. Soda Pop Top – I’ve saved the best for last. The Soda Pop Top is a nipple shaped lollipop with a hole running through its center. Simply screw it on to a 12 oz. bottle of soda and sip away to a new taste sensation. After all, soda doesn’t have enough sugar in it already so why not add even more sugar to the drink. These are obviously designed for young children who like to suck on bottles and people who were never properly weaned from being breast fed. How old is the girl in the pitcure, 10? I guess parents who let their children suck down Mountain Dews like there’s no tomorrow won’t care about the extra calories or the fact that the lollipop will be pressing sugar into the child’s front teeth the whole time she’s drinking a soda. Little Chrissy wants a Jolt AND a soda pop top. (That’s a reference to the movie “Pecker,” in case you were wondering.)
Well there you have my top 10 strange and stupid products. From dog thongs to chocolate bars that fight acne, modern ingenuity keeps rolling along!