Mommy Overload

Being a SITS member, I’ve come across a lot of Mommy blogs. And when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. It seems that blogging has become the new extra curricular mommy activity, if such a thing even exists or ever existed. Gone are the women’s clubs of yesteryear. Today, Mommies have blogs that connect them to bloggy mommy friends from all over the country. And what do you think Mommies blog about? Their kids.

But not just their kids. They blog about all the cute things those little rascally bundles of joy do and all the crazy situations they get into. They blog about their hectic lives and how they managed to open a jar of pickles with their kneecap while simultaneously dressing the two-year old, brushing the 5 year old’s hair, making fluffernutter sandwiches, AND all while loading the dishwasher and folding 15 pairs of underwear because her 13 yo daughter has to change her clothes 7.5 times a day.
Not that there is anything wrong with that but I feel like I’m outmanned in the cute kid and overworked crazy parent department. How can I compete with all that nonsense? My life revolves around sitting in my living room in my flannel lounge pants, playing Fowl Words 2 at, and racing Dave to the door before he pees all over the carpet. It’s really hard to find something cute or clever in any of that.
And don’t feed me any of that crap about funny bloggers without kids like Margaret over at Nanny Goats in Panties, Kathy at The Junk Drawer, or JD over at I Do Things So You Don’t Have To. Un-Mommy bloggers can use all that pent up Mommy energy on creative humor for their blogs. What a minute? I think JD has kids. Damn, that bitch is uniquely funny and possibly has children? I’d hate her if I didn’t like her so much. (Ok, so maybe she doesn’t have kids but she has a cat. That counts, doesn’t it?)
Well regardless, I too have some cute parenting stories, sort of. Let me know what you think of these:
1. The other night I was in bed half alseep and Dave farted. (Yes, I’m one of those lame people who sleep with their dogs.) Now there’s nothing unsually funny with that as Dave farts all the time! But this time he stood up and let another one rip, a really big and loud fart. Before I could check to see if there was any residual damage to my comforter, Dave started to vehmently bark at his butt. There really is something sad about watching a dog bark at his rear end at 2:45 in the morning. Yes, I have no life.
2. When Heather was about 1 1/2, her mother and I decided to take her out to a nice restaurant with us for dinner. (Yes, I was a breeder once.) It was the first time we had taken her somewhere nice and we were all dressed up. I forget the name of the restaurant but it was the kind of place that had white table cloths and everyone talked in hush tones. So there we are, sitting at the table with Heather in a high-chair, when all of a sudden Heather loundly announces, “I farted!” The room went silent for a few seconds and then everyone in the room started to laugh. Aren’t children precious?
3. When Heather was about 4 I was out at the mall with her when two young ladies approached me to tell me how adorable my daghter was. This was the 80’s and the girls had the big hair and the 80’s clothes and make up. They’re making all this fuss over Heather. Heather is a real girly-girl and she loved girls with lots of makeup. She turned to the first girl (who was very pretty) and said, “You’re really pretty,” and before the girl could respond she turned to the other one and said, “and you’re not.” I knew right then and there that Heather had inherited my gay bitch gene.

Well there you have it. Even 48 yo gay dads with 29 yo daughters can sometimes come up with funny antedotes regarding children. Yes, dogs are like children and I don’t want to argue the point. (If you don’t believe it’s true, than you need to see Molly Shannon in The Year of the Dog. And don’t miss Laura Dern’s spot on portrayal of an anal, over-protective mother. Yea, you know the type.) So thank you Mommies, for letting me be part of your blogging community. I’ll do my best to keep up with you, one farting dog/kid at a time.


24 thoughts on “Mommy Overload

  1. Beth says:

    Well, us mommy bloggers . . . don’t want to read about mommy stuff all the time!! I LOVE reading NON-mommy stuff!! So, no, you may not have daily cute kid stuff . . . you have something much more interesting!

  2. Lola says:

    Maybe us ex-breeders should unite? My kids are teens and they rarely do anything cute anymore. Mostly they annoy and beg for money.

  3. Rebecca says:

    Oh my…you made me giggle over my coffee. This is a funny post!
    1. Dave farting- Thank god he doesn’t have hands to put fart and then put the sheet over your head! AKA..the Dutch Oven.
    2. My 2 year old daughter farts all the time and announces it anywhere she is. I am not sure how to make her stop. Advice?
    3. I LOVE that she has your gay bitch gene. That was priceless!
    4. I like reading your blog b/c it is “non-mommy” Keep up the good work!

  4. Erin, Nick and Merrick says:

    I love that your blog is non-mommy! Reminds me that I am more than just a mommy- which is hard to remember at times!

  5. SolitaireMare says:

    Thank you for a super morning laugh! Dave’s illustrious fart cracked me up! My husband had a HUGE rottweiler who would fart, whirl around (picture a 125 pound dog “whirling”) and look at his rear, then look at us and walk away, like we made him do it!

    Yep, I know from the kids and “hey I farted”. Sadly, in our family, I probably take the blame for that in some way. Fart jokes always crack me up. (Goes all the way back to the first time I watched “Blazing Saddles”) I’m the first one to start laughing when the kids do it and being the attention junkies they are, they always go there again to crack mommy up!

  6. Kat says:

    Well…you know what they say: “write what you know.” That being said…like everyone else…it is a joy to escape the mommy world and come hang out in the gay bitch world. 🙂

  7. koopermom says:

    Our dog barks at his butt all the time too! I laugh every time.

    ~and Brody does the whole you’re not pretty, or hey look how fat that guy is, EVERY TIME we are out and about. Ahhh…..

  8. Jerrie says:

    That was fantastic! Thanks for that this morning. I needed a laugh.

    My boy is a teen now, not nearly as “cute” and not as willing to be blogged (I just started respecting his wishes – let’s see how long I can last!)…

    You daughter reminds me of the fourth grader who, after seeing a picture of my sister, said, “wow, she’s really pretty. You don’t look like her.” Nice.

    Have a great day.

  9. Steven (Green Dads) says:

    Hey Preston,
    If you want a some different parenting views on life from the mommy bloggers, come over and check out Dad Blogs at :

    It’s mostly straight guys, but there’s a small growing group of 4 or 5 gay dads.

  10. ElleBee says:

    I’m one of those “mommy bloggers” and I’m always up for a good post (kid-related or otherwise) that can make me snort my morning beverage (water, today) through my nose! 🙂

    Sounds like your Dave and my Princess need to get together. She emits the silent, but deadly, kind. AND THEN WALKS AWAY!

    I have two boys who fart and announce it. Must be a boy child thing. Maybe barking at his butt was Dave’s way of announcing it! 🙂

    Have a great day!

  11. Preston says:

    Beth – I didn’t think that Mommy bloggers would get tired of all that “mommy stuff” but it makes sense. Glad I can offer an alternative!

    Lola – Hey we could be like the wonder twins: “Ex-Breeders unit! In the form of a lesbian mother…in the shape of a gay dad!” The Justice League will never be the same!

    Rebecca – Glad I could provide some giggles over your coffee. But 1. NO DUTCH OVENS, thank you very much. 2. Ignore her. She only does it cause it gets her some attention. 3. She still jas the gay bitch gene. 4. Yes, I am non-mommy.

    Erin, Nick and Merrick – Who knew so many Mommies were yearning for non-mommy blogs?

    Solitairemare – Apparently dogs look at their butts when they fart but it’s the first time I saw Dave do it and bark. And yes, Blazing Saddles has the best movie fart scene ever!

    Kat – If I wrote what I know, I’d have to make this blog x-rated. Let’s keep it in the gay bitch world realm. That seems to work for me.

    Koopermom – Yet another farting, barking dog! And good luck with Brody. 🙂

    Jerrie – Glad I could provide you with some laughs. And I think the consensus is that teens are never ever ever ever ever ever ever cute. (I hope I didn’t overstate that.)

    Steven – I will definitely have to check out the daddy bloggers but it’ll probably just lead to a Daddy Overload post.

    Ellebee – Good thing it was water cause I’d hate to snort hot coffee through my nose. And farting is a boy thing. The world would be fartless it there were no males of our species.

  12. Patty says:

    I got my chuckle for the evening. Thanks. Glad I wasn’t drinking anything when reading about your dog attacking/barking at his own farts. It could have been worse, if you had farted, he might have tried attacking (barking) at your bottom. Have a terrific week-end. I’m off to pop some pop corn for the family. I could do the micro wave thingie, but they like it from my old corn popper.

  13. Meghan says:

    How did I not know you were a member of SITS!!!???
    How did I not stumble upon your blog months & months ago before I came back to work with you?

    I am grateful to hear that I am not the only parent who has had their child announce that he or she has farted in a public setting, altho I much prefer when he farts & then blames one of his parents. Ah, good times!

    You crack me up!
    And the gay bitch gene…baahaahaa!

  14. TattooedMinivanMom says:

    Now those are some great mommy blogger stories!

    Nothing like dogs who fart and proceed to bark at their own asses, little girls who bust ass at fancy restaurants, and little girls who tell it like it is…loved it.

    Now come enter my giveaway you sexy little bitch you.

  15. Country Wife says:

    Why is it that the term ‘breeder’ makes me think I should’ve sold my offspring for a nice profit? Also puts me in mind of those trailer park gals with the 23 kids, all of them in diapers with dirty faces.

    Anyhoo, being a mommy, and grand mommy (and no, I’m really NOT old enough for that), but not really a “mommy blogger”, who happens to sleep with two chihuahuas that snore and bark in their sleep, I just thought I’d let you know I love your blog, still think you are a hottie (don’t tell my DH!), and I sprayed Muscato all over my pc at the dog barking at his butt story.

    My dobie mix would always pass gas, stare at her butt, then sniff the floor where she had been sitting, and look around as if to say, “OOOh, I didn’t do that, but something stinks!”

  16. Preston says:

    Patty – I have farted and fortunately his never barked at my butt. LOL And I’m glad you make stove-top popcorn. I have a whirly pop and it makes the best popcorn ever.

    Meghan – How could you not know? I’m so sh ocked. LOL

    TTM – Glad you liked it all.

    Country Wife – Seems a lot of people liked the dog farting story.

  17. Caroline says:

    Fun post. As a new mom, I have wondered how moms in history handled all the transition in the solitude of no email or internet. Thank goodness for all our outreach to others for support whether it is new motherhood, pets farting or failed recipes.

  18. Preston says:

    Holly Tried It – Yep, it’s even funnier at 2:30 am.

    Caroline – Thank goodness for blogging so we can all talk about new motherhood, dog farts and lousy food. LOL Very funny…

  19. What A Card says:

    Hee, very funny! You can sure keep up with the mommy bloggers and our obsessions with our childrens’ bodily functions!

  20. Kari says:

    Hey there! Found you through SITS….

    This is so funny! I have four kids (three are boys) and a dog, so I can totally relate to some farting humor.

    Looking forward to reading more of your blog.

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