It’s been six days since I have heard from Matt. The last time I saw him was Sunday night when we agreed we would call each other and make plans to get together again. No calls have been made yet. Now I admit that I am as guilty of not calling him as he is of not calling me. I made a conscious decision to not call him to see how long it would take him to call me. I guess you can add one more thing to my “not doing” list.
Part of me does feel a little childish regarding waiting for Matt to call me. But I was feeling like I was doing most of the calling so I just wanted to see how long it would take him to call me if I didn’t call him. The problem with doing this is you have to be prepared for the worst. What if he doesn’t call? Beyond that, why hasn’t he called?
The problem with answering those questions is that I just don’t know him well enough. What I do know about him is that he is a very warm and caring individual who usually puts others before himself. In fact, he puts others before himself to all fault. For instance, if we go out to dinner and I ask him where he wants to go, he replies, “Wherever you want to go.” If I am making dinner at home and offer choice between chicken or pork chops, his reply is, “Whatever you want to eat.” If we want to do anything, it’s always, “Whatever you want.” In fact, if I offer him a beverage he says, “Whatever you’re drinking.” Now I don’t mind making decisions, but gosh, I’ve got OJ, Milk, Sparkling Water, and Cranberry Juice in the fridge, why can’t he tell me which one he wants?
Now in all fairness to Matt, his partner was a school teacher who, from what I’ve heard from Matt’s friends, ruled the house like he ruled the classroom. He also had a tendency to put Matt down. Now don’t get me wrong, he also was a very well-loved school teacher who moved back home to take care of his ailing mother. I just think he had a very strong personality and Matt has an insecure, submissive one. He died suddenly from cancer just a little over a year ago and Matt took it pretty hard.
Matt is also very insecure with himself and he’s dealing with the depression of losing a partner of over 7 years. I’ve had issues myself in this area (although Wade only left me and didn’t die inspite of all those needles I put in that damn vodoo doll) so I do understand how people feel insecure and unloved sometimes. With Matt, it seems his mother puts him down a lot and he’s always been with domineering men. He’s also insecure regarding his looks and his eccentric hobbies. Again, I can relate. But he puts himself down so much that it becomes obsessive. I have some friends who do that and it drives me nuts. If I chose to date you or be your friend, it’s because I think you’re a worthy person. Putting yourself down is like putting me down. After all, isn’t your life complete now that I’ve decided to be your friend? Hmm????
All kidding aside, I’ve always believed that my friendship would be a positive force in the lives of my friends and the men I date. With Matt, I don’t know if he’s not calling me because he doesn’t want to see me or he doesn’t want to look “clingy” or he thinks that I don’t want to see him. And maybe he’s wondering the same thing about me. I know that I can be insecure and clingy sometimes. Just look at my past relationship with Wade. But I have taken steps to do something about it.
Do I want to see Matt again. Yes, but only if he wants to see me. Do I want him to step-up to plate, so-to-speak? You bet, but because he wants to and not because I made him do it. Do I want him to call me first? Definitely, I think. Am I overreacting and over-thinking this? I have no idea. Should I drop the pretense and call him? I don’t know. What do you think I should do? Ah, insecurities. It’s a good thing I don’t live in a glass house…